I'm a germaphobe. Well, that's what society likes to call me. In
my mind, I'm just pragmatic. In my comfortable, black and white world, germs
make people sick so by avoiding germs and sick people, I greatly increase my
chances of remaining well.
In public restrooms, I am a pro at getting
in and out, reconnaisance style, without touching any surface other than my
own. I transform into a lithe contortionist, opening doors with my foot,
locking and unlocking stall doors with my elbow, hovering like a ninja over the
toilet, and flushing with my foot (even in the situations where it's a
malfunctioning auto-flush and the only way to flush is pressing a tiny button
on the back of the tank). While exiting, I'll quickly survey the
sink/soap/towel situation and determine whether to wash up or hit the Purell.
Then getting out the door without touching it is a final challenge. If
possible, I wait for someone to go ahead of me and slip out behind them,
letting them take one for the team. When alone, I'll use a paper towel, my
elbow, my foot, or, worst-case, the bottom of my shirt, to open the door. I
also hold my breath a large portion of the time so, when I do emerge, I can be
seen sucking in a new, fresh breath.
I find myself holding my breath when in
crowds, anytime I see or hear someone coughing or sneezing, and in restaurants
when someone walks quickly by my table.
In the grocery store, I immediately use one of the provided wipes
and give my cart a once-over as if it had just hauled a sick donkey.
At home, I use disinfectant wipes and
Lysol on door knobs, phones, light switches, and remote controls year-round,
not just during cold and flu season.
In hotels, I take wipes and hit the remote
control (deemed one of the dirtiest objects in the world, by the way) and the
bathroom before I ever open a suitcase. And I never use the glasses they put
out with the little paper covers. I saw a 20/20 undercover story once where the
housekeeping staff was seen using the same rag to wipe the dresser, the
nightstand, the bathroom, then dumped out a used glass and wiped it inside and
out with that rag and popped on a new, little paper cover. No, thank you.
If given the choice in restaurants, I
prefer plastic/disposable cups and cutlery.
I find the smell of hand sanitizer comforting.
Some misconceptions about germaphobes, or,
as I like to call us, "germ averse normal, rational people,” include:
-
“Your
house must be spotless.” Ha. You make me laugh. No, I’m a normal person. There’s
underwear in the floor. The hamper and/or kitchen sink are piled up. One of the
cats has probably thrown up somewhere and I won’t find it for a couple more days.
But, by golly, my door knobs are clean.
-
“Germs
are good for you. You’re actually doing yourself a disservice by avoiding them.” I respectfully disagree. I have been
subjected to plenty of germs…I’ve been to Chuck E. Cheese.”
-
“People
will think you’re crazy.” I’m OK with that. I think they’re all sick, so we’re
kind of even.
So, if one day, you find me picking up everything with a Kleenex,
sitting naked in the dark for four months, and eating only chocolate and
chicken*, well, the least you can do is strap on a face mask before coming in
to talk to me.
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